Bens estate sale rantings

So I love estate sales and by "I love estate sales" what I really mean is that, I like going to estate sales to rummage through other people's things primarily to make fun of them; but also to find things which I can either make money from by selling on eBay or by using those items in a clever way and then posting pictures of those things used in clever ways on facebook. Though, most of what i find are things i think i will one day use and then ends up in the garage in a corner never to be seen or heard from again, which of course is why estate sales exist in the first place.

And this being the case I have decided to share with you some clever observations from weekly estate sales that I patronize in advance of sale openings both because I can shop them and you can't, which makes it more fun for me; and also because while I love estate sales I really don't like estate sale people, but not you, if you're reading this, you're cool. 

So these are some of my favorite items from this weeks gypsy boys estate sale and some clever observations about those items contained within the accompanying captions.

Sale details: 6640 East Colorado Drive Feb 19/20/21 2016 www.denvergypsyboys.com

This thing isn’t being billed as artwork and I'm not entirely sure how it got so fucked up, but however it came to be, at a buck fifty this beat up old board is officially bad ass. And I, as anyone ought be, would be proud to hang it randomly in their living room or above their fireplace and call it art, at least when someone comes over for dinner and starts asking about the decor. You can tell them the whole stupid story about how you found it at an estate sale and decided it was a piece of art, and you will conveniently forget to mention the role i played in it’s discovery, but i forgive you.

These two chairs are cool, they look like something a judge might sit in, a fat judge, and that fat judge probably has a surly wife and that surly wife probably likes to overcook pork and talk about her mother who just won't die and remind the judge why he's such a bad husband and how he doesn't contribute to her garden parties enough. And then he goes and drinks a lot in a different room, not in this chair but some other chair, his drinkin’ chair. 

I think this is a tool belt that some go-getter dad bought thinking that he would one day fix things in his garage or God forbid tame that firewood-pile/raccoons-nest on the side of the house by building a shed of sorts. But as you can see the tags are still on it and he likely died before getting a chance to use it, although he clearly bought it a decade ago and just died last week. His laziness and proceeding death is your gain; so buy this tool belt or, if nothing else, take it back to Home Depot or Lowe's and see if you can exchange it for something that you won't use and can be sold at your next estate sale.

These are ice skates. and now that I think about it I don't know why it took a picture of these, they could be cool if you're a 60-year-old grandma but my suggestion is just let them die in piece as they clearly had a hard life and you don't need to add to their angst.

This is cool and would be cool in your front yard until it gets knocked over by wind or your landscaper's riding lawnmower and then it will not be cool anymore; but until then it'll be really cool so perhaps it's better rented then purchased. just make sure you get that warranty because this piece of crap is sure to break soon. 

This rocking chair is supposed to be something special but I think it's a reproduction, even as a reproduction it still might be valuable, but just know going-in that it's probably a reproduction and you're never gonna make any money on it because it's a rocking chair and rocking chairs are stupid. Also, as a side note, if you think a piece of furniture is really valuable and is rare or is made by some fancy company or person, don't email the estate sale company and ask them about that fancy chair and how much they're going to price it at because then they will actually look it up and do some research on it and price it accordingly. if you want a good deal keep your mouth shut ... not you though, you're cool.

This is an old toolbox carrier thingy and it's surprisingly sturdy and made with really old bitchin hardware. I could see this as a planter or something stupid and then photographed and put on Pinterest so somebody should do that, but not me though. 

This is a napkin with a professionally done caricature of Mr. Brad Busby who will be leading this weekend's jaunt down secondhand dead person stuff lane. It's pretty bad ass if I do say so myself and I think you'll agree. 

This piece of dusty ancient electronic contraption is part of the Betamax system, which is something that even I have never actually held or used; but let's face it, neither have you regardless of how old you are. But it says Sony on it and powered on when I plugged it in so it's highly likely that it could be collectible to some would-be hipster in Brooklyn who is willing to overpay for shipping and the item itself. The beauty of selling this type of equipment is that it will likely never get plugged in even after you sell /ship it so even if it doesn't work you can always say that it works and they're never going to return it because they don't want to look like a dumbass, which they are.

You know this puppy is old because even back when the Rocky Mountain news was a thing it was delivered, not from a torn disgusting sack such as this, but rather from the back of a pick up truck with some guy driving and his poorly paid neighbors son sitting in the truck bed flinging those elegantly folded massive newspapers out onto peoples lawns. I'm not sure what you could do with this thing but it looks cool and for those hard-core old school Colorado natives who think they're badass, this is essential garage corner garb.

This could actually be a great deal. this is a low voltage landscaping lighting power supply power inverter thingy that is used to power landscape lights… obviously. But don't use the lights that come with this thing because they are super inefficient and will probably cost you thousands in electricity bills over the course of the years. So instead, keep the power box thing and the power cables that have clearly never been installed, replace the lights with low voltage LED lights and do some kick ass landscape recessed lighting in your yard. or better yet don't do that and then I can buy them at half price and do that over the summer.

This thing is also part of the Betamax system referenced above. I lifted it and I have to tell you it probably weighs 40 pounds. I don't remember Betamax’s being very heavy but clearly the player/recorder/hunk of crap that is no longer useful to anyone makes up for the other half of that equation. Again if you get all of the pieces to the system together it may be worth selling to someone on eBay. Unless of course you have a huge Betamax porn collection in which case, gross. 

This chair is cool, it's kind of mission style, very arts and crafts and I love that the crack going slanted down its ass from left to right is clearly intentional. There are no other chairs to match it but it still might be good for whatever a single chair that no one will ever sit on might be good for in your home, or firewood, whatevs. 

This thing is cool and old and it still won't sell for what it should. I love tiger oak dining room pieces and I know that makes me extremely gay but I’m OK with that because any excuse I can find to work in the phrase ‘tiger oak mission style hutch’ is a good occasion for me.

The speakers are probably awesome. I looked them up on eBay and they sell for like 100-150 bucks a pair and chances are good that they won't sell on the first day and you can get them for half price on the last day, then you could either sell them on eBay or use them in your library, if you have a library, but if you have a library you probably already have speakers in it because you have money and you don't shop at estate sales. So, yeah. 

Thank you for coming on this journey of estate sale rantings with me, perhaps I'll see you again down the road in a few weeks.

the guy in the hat