My thoughts. transcribed.

Sometimes I drive a diesel truck around town. It's...

Sometimes I drive a diesel truck around town. It's not uncommon for this vehicle to emit smoke when it's low on gas because it's cleaning the exhaust filter or something. I realize that this is an annoyance to those behind me but I'm selfish and I don't really care about them. It turns out you can report smoking vehicles to your local state health department via this website

I know this because I received a notice in the mail from a concerned citizen who was saddened by my vehicles smoking in their face. Instead of getting upset about their sore vagina I decided to use this information to my advantage. As such, whenever I encounter a Subaru or hybrid vehicle on the road being an annoyance, instead of chasing them down and shooting them in the face as I may have previously done I will instead simply take down their license place and report them to the authority above. This is both fun and free. Try it.

Benjamin Paige
Someone should just go through all the porn of the...

Someone should just go through all the porn of the 70's and make a two hour documentary of all the worst non x rated parts. Just the cheesiest cornball parts of those movies back to back for two hours. That would be an amazing movie to show at parties.

Benjamin Paige
For Halloween this year I am going to dress our pi...

For Halloween this year I am going to dress our pig up as the hamburglar because it's the best most awesome costume on earth ever. But on doing some research for this role that I will force him to play I have a few questions. First, why does the hamburglar wear a tie? Is he like a respectable businessman burglar? Because stealing hamburgers is not your typical white collar crime.
Secondly, why does he have a cape? Maybe he is a super hero like robinhood and steals burgers to feel the poor. Did you ever think of that? I mean, how many burgers can someone eat anyways? All hail the hamburglar!!

Benjamin Paige
color coded light switches

if you are like me you probably have dozens of these in your house: several light switches packed into a single or double gang wall outlet. To this day i still cant remember which one of these switches works the hall and which one works the staircase. Why don't they simply change the color of the actual switches. even if only slightly. (ie grey, white, beige, etc) this simple change would probably help me to remember which switch goes to which light (grey hall, black staircase) but probably it wouldn't and i would just have spent a bunch of money and time on something that looks dumb and i would occasionally have to explain to visitors.